The Tuna Sandwich

Currently in a 1988 Jeep Grand Wagoneer driving to Colorado, an hour south of Amarillo. Roughly 5 PM and the sun is setting. John is in the passenger seat, Doug is driving.

Bud = marijuana

Nug = marijuana

John:

Yo, you think I could make one of those tuna sammys?

Doug:

Yea dude go for it, hand me that camera though

(John hands Doug a videocamera and climbs into the back seat)

Doug:

(speaking into the videocamera)

Uh, this is somewhere outside of Amarillo, it looks like hell and that’s John in the back there making some tuna for us and-- SHIT!!

John:

(still looking into the cooler)

Huh?

Doug:

We’re getting pulled over

John:

(immediately shoots up and looks out the back window to see the Texas State Trooper turn on his lights)

SHI-I-I-I-I-IT

(Doug starts slowing down in the right hand shoulder)

John:

Dude, grab that bud up there

Doug:

(frantically digging around the passenger compartment)

Where is it? What the hell, dude seriously fast where is it? FAST, WHERE??

John:

Du- du- dude its uh uh uh its like on that side. Somewhere-

Doug:

(realizing the Trooper is about 5 feet from the passenger window, gives up the search)

Fuck it dude it’s too late, just hope he doesn’t see it.

John:

Not takin’ that chance

(John quickly jumps out of the back and leans forward, grabbing the marijuana and paraphernalia just before the cop comes to the window.)

Trooper:

Do you know why I stopped you?

Doug:

No sir

Trooper:

You don’t got a front license plate

Doug:

Ha, yes sir I know. See, I, uh, got my front bumper replaced a while back and the lady at the dealership said that some new Texas state law passed and it said I don’t need a front license plate. I mean I can-

Trooper:

Nope. You do

Doug:

Yessir, I can get it fixed

Trooper:

(Looking at John)

And why aren’t you buckled up?

John:

Uh, I was making tuna

Trooper:

Makin’ what?

John:

Tuna sir!

(John reaches into the ice chest and pulls out some tupperware filled with tuna fish)

Trooper:

Huh?

(shoots his attention back at Doug)

Well, whys your car smell like marijuana?

Doug:

Uh, I have no idea officer. I don’t smell anything

Trooper:

I need to see your license and registration

Doug:

Uh, yea, yep, here they are

Trooper:

Marshall huh, well Doug Marshall, why don’t ya step outta the car and come back here with me. And you (pointing to John), you stay in the car

Trooper:

(Looking his cruiser)

Here, why don’t ya take a seat in there

(The Trooper proceeds to call in Doug’s information, searching for any prior trouble)

Doug:

So, um, is there much construction up ahead?

Trooper:

(irritated)

What’d ya just say? You’re worried about construction?

Doug:

(speech begins to trail off)

Oh, I was just curious, see we’re going to Colorado... just was wondering...

Radio:

M-A-R-S-H-A-L-L, Doug. No prior arrests.

Trooper:

Hmm, ok. Well so, you smoke marijuana?

Doug:

(boldly)

No sir.

Trooper:

(even bolder)

You lyin’ to me?

Doug:

No sir.

Trooper:

You ever tried it?

Doug:

Can’t lie. Yea I’ve tried it, kinda makes me feel funny though. Don’t really like-

Trooper:

When’s the last time you smoked?

Doug:

Hm, well it had to be over a month ago..

Trooper:

Your buddy smoke?

Doug:

No, only cigarettes. That could’ve made the car smell kinda funky...

Trooper:

Do you have anything illegal in your vehicle? Firearms, drugs, large amounts of currency?

Doug:

No sir

Trooper:

So you won’t mind me checkin’?

Doug:

Uh, no sir

Trooper:

Alright, how ‘bout ya step on out there and I’ll tell your buddy what the deal is gonna be

(Stepping out of the passenger side, Doug is instructed to face away from his vehicle and the Trooper proceeds to conduct a body search. In the background, Doug can hear the Trooper opening the door and telling John to step out. He proceeds to search and question John as well before placing him 30 yards away.The Trooper proceeds to search the entire car.)

Doug:

(In the midst of having the car searched, thinks internally)

Where the hell did John hide that nug? Shit, I really hope it is not in my bag. Damnit, my Dad is going to kill me. I for sure won’t be back next semester. What am I going to do?What is my Mom going to say? Why was I so stupid

Trooper:

(yelling)

AHH. HMM, What’s this? Whose pill is this?

(John and Doug simultaneously turn around)

John:

Uh, that’s mine

Trooper:

Come here boy. You got a prescription to this?

John:

Yea, should be in my toiletry bag right there. Uh, yep here it is, Adderall.

Trooper:

Alright. Keep it in the bottle from now on. Go back on over where ya were

John:

Yea, I guess it was just a loose one, sorry. I will

Doug:

(making eye contact with John, silently mouthed)

Are you serious?

Trooper:

What’s this? This yours Marshall?

Doug:

Well, yeah kinda. See my grandfather made that baton and he kept it in there and when he passed away and I got the car, I just left it for a-

Trooper:

Alright, close that trunk and you guys get goin’

John and Doug:

Yes sir!

(John and Doug climb into the car and watch as the Trooper drives past them)

John:

Holyyyyyy shittttt, dudeee

Doug:

Dude, wow, just wait. Holy SHIT! That was scary. Please master you gotta tell me, where did you hide it?

John:

(Looking at Doug as if he cured cancer)

In the tuna! The tuna!!!!

Doug:

Ahhhhh, I knew it. Ha, standing there, that was the only place I thought where he might not wanna look. Wow we think alike. Shit, I cannot believe that just happened. I owe you my life, ha ha.

John:

Oh my god, no. Dude, thank YOU for making the tuna.

Doug:

Ha, well that wasn’t really why I made it, but it works

John:

Ha, you’re not kiddin’

Doug:

Ha, yea I guess. Well, you got one of them sammys ready to munch on yet?